March 21, 2013

Just One More

After my second son was born, I swore up and down that I was "done" having kids. It was a really tough transition, from one to two. When the blur and exhaustion of the first six months wore off, and I settled into my role as mom-of-two, I declared that "two is perfect".  I would smile and say "our family is complete." And although I felt fulfilled beyond description, with my "two arms for my two sweet boys," I knew deep down that I wanted another child. Just one more.

I hoped the feeling would pass. After all, two children was our plan. Andrew and I are educated, supposedly responsible adults, and decided that two children is a smart and manageable size for a family... from house size to vacations to college tuition. Two is perfect. And our children are perfect. Why would I want to change that?

So I let a year go by without saying anything. I began to notice how pregnant women and newborn babies started to make me feel envious and sad. I visualized myself giving birth one more time, even planning the birth (perhaps a home birth this time, I thought). I convinced myself that all women think these things, even those that don't have children. It's maternal instinct. Right?

The following year I got our family a dog, hoping to fill the void. It didn't work.

Wesley asked me one night at dinner if he could have a baby sister. I cried.

Around this time a good friend told me when you are done having children, you know it. You start to admire pregnant women—you don't want to be pregnant yourself. And you feel sorry for mothers of newborns, because of all the hard work and sleepless nights. She said: if you want another child, if you can't stop thinking about it, then you need to do it. Now.

And so, last Winter I cried to my husband. I'm not done. In my bones. In my heart. In my blood. There is one more child to fill the empty seat at our table... to fill our hearts. Another cheek to kiss goodnight. Another voice to be heard. Another best friend for our boys.

Andrew questioned our plan. He wondered how we would pay for college. I explained that this was SO much more than that. Reminded him that he was the third child in his family. A few months later, he told me he truly wanted just one more too. And with happiness and determination, we've been trying ever since...

:: Aren't these paintings on motherhood by Katie M. Berggren just beautiful?  


  1. You wrote a beautiful story which you perfectly punctuated with those paintings. I loved it and feel so many of your emotions to my core. Maybe in time, we will get there too.

  2. Oh Danielle! I'm so happy for you! Mike and I always debate how many children we want to have and have a lot of the same discussions--I want three and he wants two, mostly because he is afraid of THE COST. I always tell him that I can't think of anything I'd rather spend my money on, and I'm ALREADY envious of pregnant ladies, just six months post-partum. Wishing you luck!